Monday, September 13, 2010

Oh, You Don't Care? FINE! I Don't Either!!!

I just realized yesterday that I have lost a lot of concern for a lot of people.

I am completely aware of the fact that my first sentence of this blog is harsh, but I'm just not ashamed to admit it.

I asked myself why this was. I totally think that I have let people make me that way. Whenever I am sick, I have noticed that I don't have that many people to call and check on me. ( Ok, I know a lot of you are reading this and saying, "But you hate to talk on the phone!" so let me change that.) Whenever I am sick, I have noticed that many people don't TEXT me to check on me. Just that simple, "Hey, are you ok?" text from someone works wonders on someone like me, that feels that nobody is ever really there.

I used to be the one that was so concerned about other people, that when they felt down, I could actually feel it as well. I would stay in touch with them, and try to nurse them back to happiness with my inspirational quotes. Well, all of that has totally changed about me. I,sometimes,feel as if I couldn't care less about your headache that you have had for the last week, your surgery that you are about to have, your constant leg pain, your toothache, etc.

Before you get your drawz in a bunch and tell me how cruel I am, let me explain why I'm typing this blog.

I KNOW THIS IS NOT THE WAY I SHOULD BE! There, I said it. Happy now? I realize that just because I don't get a text here and there, or a friendly knock on the door to make sure I'm not in my apartment keeled over on the floor with forty pill bottles in front of me, the random gift certificate to a day spa, or the surprise party just because I'm a great person, that I am still loved by many, even though I don't hear it often. (Yes, the last two were hints *smile*)

We don't say, "I love you" enough. We don't check on each other enough. We don't really love each other enough. We don't remind each other that we are all important enough. By not doing all of these things, we are making each other not interested in doing any of it. We have to remember to love each other. I'm at the point where people KNOW that I hate talking on the phone. LOL! I have an excuse though; the phone rings all day at the office, and I get tired of talking on it! (Ok, I know that's not really an excuse.)

Now, I'm not cold hearted. I never have been, I wasn't raised that way, and it's not even really in my blood. After having so many failed friendships, a couple failed relationships, and not really being close to family, this is how I have ended up. It's totally not that I don't care about people, it's just that I don't have a desire to check on them and stay in touch. Often, we go through things with so many different people and situations, and we just get drained. It feels better to just be left alone, and not to bother. It doesn't mean that I'm inconsiderate, or not passionate about others, I would just rather be alone.

BUUUUTTTTT... I am going to change this. I am going to stay in touch (through text,email etc) with others that I should be concerned about, whether they show concern or not. Showing concern should not be based on who shows you concern; it should just be done anyway. Lately, a few people that I knew personally either fell ill, took their own life, or their life was taken by the hands of other people. I have sat and wondered if there was possibly anything that I could have done to change the outcomes.

We get that, "Why even bother?" attitude easily. That is what I have done to myself. IF YOU AREN'T WORRIED ABOUT ME, I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT YOU!!! #Fail.
Everybody is not the same, although a lot of people really are. The unconcern of others can cause you to not be concerned. EASILY!

SOOOO.....I will begin to come out of the box to see daylight from time to time, but I will go right back inside. Maybe one day, I will come outside,sit on the porch, have a glass of lemonade and just bask in the sunshine, and have no worries or agitations. That day is coming. BABY STEPS THOUGH! BABY STEPS!