Relationship Anxiety....Yep! I Got It!

Yes, it is really a such thing. I have had so many train wrecks that I have called "relationships", to the point where I am just not really happy about getting too close to anybody else.


When I first heard about Relationship Anxiety, I actually heard of it on the Wayans Brothers sitcom that used to come on the WB a little while ago. Shawn, the older brother, had gotten stood up by his high school girlfriend for the prom, which caused him to never trust another woman ever again. Years later, he and his brother pondered the reasons why Shawn suffered so badly from R.A, only to find out that the girl did not stand him up; she had sent a letter by Marlon, his younger brother, explaining that she would not be able to attend the prom with him, but his younger, slightly dingy brother forgot to give him the letter.

Well, I actually suffer from the same thing. A relationship that I had that ended around January of 2007 has me this way. I really don't care to speak a lot of about the relationship, but let's just say that when he decided to drop me for good, I felt like I absolutely wanted my life to end. I had never, ever felt that way about someone ever before in my years of dating. I was so in love with this guy, and when he broke up with me, I had to tear my feelings away from him. That is the hardest thing to do when you are absolutely head over heels for a person, and they just pull away from you. His excuse was, "I just don't really want to be in a relationship right now." He told me this after months of devoting myself to him.




Now, when I date someone, it's hard to commit. It's hard to totally just "try". Of course it's not fair, but this is something serious that I suffer with. Will I ever get over it? I don't know. And of course hearing about all of the devastating relationships that end in high turmoil and calamity don't make it any worse either. It seems like nobody's relationships work anymore. It almost seems as if people are out to hurt the feelings of the ones they date for some reason.

I still think that people cheat on their mates because they are lacking something within themselves. It also has to do with greed. Whenever a person gets with someone that they know is good to them, they go out and attempt to find somebody else, because they know that person will be there no matter what, so they go out and get something "else". I can't say that guy that broke it off with me in 2007 had cheated on me, totally, but I do know that after telling me that he didn't want a relationship, he ended up getting with a younger girl that I ended up moving into my apartment complex right across from me! Yep! Sho' did! That's another blog. Stay tuned for that one....






But like I was saying, I don't know if he fully cheated on me, but I did find some texts in his phone where he had been trying to visit the girl he was with before he and I got together. So, here I was, giving my absolute all to this guy, being the sweet little girlfriend that was with him through thick and thin, I was cooking food and fixing his plate before I sat down to eat for myself, I was cleaning his home and making sure all of his clothes were clean, as well as keeping myself up to look good for him, all for what........for him to not want me anymore.

The little things that I named that I did for him isn't even the tip of the iceburg. Honestly, I think where I messed up is when I let him know that I was in love and wanted to truly be his all, but isn't that bullshit though? I was giving my all, but my all wasn't enough. He still wanted to move on, and I had no choice but to let him. Now, I can't say that he is the total reason; I had had a few heart breaks before, but that one was the one that pushed me over the edge of IDGAF'ville, and I have been living there ever since.

After going through all of that pain and hurt, I haven't been the same ever since. Now, when someone tries to get close to me, I start to pull away like a little scared kitten. It's like I can't help it. Even if I see someone that I like, I can be after him for a while, and when he starts to show me some interest, I start to back away from him. It's absolutely crazy! I find each and every little thing wrong that I don't like about a person that I'm dating, and it can be something as minor as "his shoes are too shiny."

The whole thing about R.A. is not wanting to allow someone to get so close to you that they have any chance under the sky to hurt you. Mine is like a natural . defense; I have tried to make it go away, but it just won't. I think it's more fun to just live life freely by dating from time to time, going out, dancing, having a drink or two, meeting up to listen to old school music while drinking on something that gives you a quick buzz, then sending that ass home.

There was once a time when I would date someone, I would be all into that person to the point that I couldn't wait to talk to them. I couldn't wait to spend all my time with them. I used to be the "touchy, feely" type of person that would love nothing more than to just sit around in her man's arms and cuddle." But now.....I'm a whole lot different. I don't cuddle, I don't hold hands in public, I don't like to feel crowded, I have to have my space, and I want to converse with more than one guy at a time. No, before you get your drawz in a bunch and say that I'm nasty or something, sex is not involved with everyone. It's all about having fun and not having to answer to anyone. PERIOD!

Who knows; maybe I will get over this one day, maybe not. The best thing about this is the fact that I don't have to answer to anybody, and I know I won't get my heart broken. Relationship Anxiety is real. I just touched on a small portion of it. To get more information about it, google it. There is a lot of info on it.

"Tameka! When are you getting married?"

So, I ran into a classmate today. I walked over and talked to her, hugged, and said "Heeeey girl!" and all that. Of course we got into the "Where you living now?", and the "How many kids do you have?" Yadda, yadda, and all that jazz. Then, it was time for her to ask me those dreaded questions. *bleh*.

I went on to tell her that I'm STILL not married, and I STILL don't want any children. She said what everybody else always says,......"Aw come on girl! You have to have a least ONE!" Ok, so, are these people saying that I need to go on and pop out a baby, even if I don't get married? As if "single motherdome" is not running rampant enough!
Anyway, I always get this exact same reaction from people. Even my mom tells me that she runs into people all the time that say, "Girl, Tameka hasn't given you a grand baby yet?" and she, of course, PROUDLY says, "NO!"

What is it about people that think that I'm SUPPOSED to be married along with a house full of hungry crumb snatchers? Of course I'm 33 years old now, and I have no thought in my mind that I will be having any babies anytime soon. Sorry to disappoint those that are sitting back anxiously awaiting the arrival of "Little Tameka", but it just ain't happnin' Cap'n!

Basically, there are no rules that say that a woman, or a man for the point of this case, has to be married and chasing kids at a certain age. I had actually started to think that maybe my mentality just hadn't caught up with everybody else, because "everybody else is doing it." I'm good though, because I'm just not ready. I take things at my own pace. When I was was once following the crowd, I did what the crowd did. This is something that I have to be glad that I don't follow the crowd for, because a lot of the people that I know have gone on to get married, and pop out all of these kids, gotten fat, and don't look happy at all. I know so many people that I graduated with that have already been married and divorced, and many women that are now left with children to care for on their own. Yeah, that's something I'm not looking forward to anytime soon. Thanks, but no thanks.

I have to be honest thought; there once was a time when I would almost run and hide when someone would look at me like I had committed a crime when I tell them that I am still not married, and still haven't had any children. I felt like I SHOULD be married. Here I am grown, and with no steady man in my life, and no kids to love and call my own. That's exactly the thoughts I had, until I started realizing, "HEY! ALL OF MY RELATIONSHIPS SUCK ANYWAY!", and I couldn't, and STILL can't imagine having children by any of the bumbs I dated! I have dodged SEVERAL hot, burning bullets! THANK YA!!! HAPPY DANCE TIME!!!

The point of this is to just live your life. I'm not in a rush to get married, push out any babies, or none of that. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Oh well! I will still live and be happy. I came in the world alone, and I don't mind riding the waves all the way to the end the same way.

Don't Dump Everybody Else When You Start Dating

I have seen this happen too many times before, and I'm not saying that I'm so perfect to the point that I have never done it. I mean, don't get me wrong....I AM perfect, but hey, I only get better! (tee hee hee)

Anyway, all jokes aside, I have seen too many women that get into relationships and seem to forget that they had a life before "he" came along. The fact that women STILL do this actually JUST slapped me in the face a couple of days ago. I have an associate that started dating a guy that she had already voiced that she wasn't completely happy with anyway, but she is deciding to stick it out with him. *insert confused faced here.* We had made plans to attend a social event that, at one time, we never missed! The event happens once a month, and we were always so excited about it that we almost took days off work to attend!

Anyway, she backed out, because it was his birthday. Now, don't get me wrong; her wanting to spend time with her "boo" on his birthday is an absolutely wonderful thing, and if I was all out serious about someone, I'm sure I would do the same thing, but we had already made plans to do attend the event! Since she has been seeing this guy, I hardly ever talk to her at all! She doesn't really call, and when I attempt to make plans to go out and have some girl talk, she never can go.

So of course you are reading this saying, "Ok, well maybe you need to get a man and stop hatin' on your friend because she has one.", or, perhaps you are saying that I'm the bitter single friend that every woman should avoid when she is in a relationship.
Well, I'm here to tell you that both of those statements are wrong. All I'm saying is to never put all of your time and effort in a relationship from the jump. You should always remember that "relationships" are always great in the beginning, but once you start to really know each other, that's when you get tired of the other person and you are ready to start back spending time with the ones that you left behind to give all your time to the "buggaboo".

A woman should NEVER put all of her time in with a man from the get go, and not have time for herself. That leaves so much room for her to lose herself in the guy and totally give up on what makes her happy. The same people that were there for your before "he" came along, won't be so delighted to be there for you when "he" is gone.

It is always important to remember balance for all the people in your life. When a man sees that you are willing to give your everything, and your all for him, he will take it and run with it. He will know that he has you as a doormat, and won't feel bad when he begins to treat you as such. You will never catch a man canceling all of his plans with his "boys" to spend time with you. If he does, don't expect it to happen all the time. The oohs and ahhs of the new guy can leave you feeling so warm and fuzzy on the inside, but look at the truth: the warm and fuzzy feeling almost always go away! It never fails.

Up Again, and Bored in North Mississippi. *sigh*

A lot of my readers know that I talk a lot about moving away. I always picture myself on the sands of Malibu, California, or in the busy streets of Atlanta, Georgia. A lot may wonder why I haven't left yet; well, that's simple: my lease agreement! I'm not the one to break a lease agreement, no matter how bad the situation is. I think I have made up my mind to join the streets of Atlanta at the end of this year though. I don't think I'm ready for California yet. I'm so used to growing up in a small country town, so I'm sure the bright city lights will scare me like a little lost cat, and I will shake like a little lost puppy while I hide in a corner or something, but after the millions of panic attacks, sweat outbreaks and anxiety, I should be fine!

I know I can't just make up my mind to leave and that be it. No, it's going to take a plan. A BIG plan. Sure, I have moved away before and had no clue at all what I was going to do when I got to my destination. As a matter of fact, I can remember moving to Michigan to join my aunt's family. On my way to Michigan on the Amtrak, I don't even think I worried at all about what I was going to do when I got there. I just lived my life in a way when I would take things one day at a time. I'm trying to get my life back into that position. After suffering from so much anxiety and stress on the job, all I do is worry, even when I'm not at work, but I will do this moving thing differently. I'm off work today and tomorrow, so maybe I can sit around the house and just think of some different things that can be done when I get there. i.e., the type of job I will look for, I will get information on the different apartment communities, night life, etc. I'm not ashamed to say that a huge part of why I want to move away is because of night life. I am so tired of being bored around here. There is absolutely nothing to do around here but go to the clubs. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind going to a nice club every now and then, but the key word is "Nice".

Even if there was a lot to do around here, then I would have to find women with similar interests that wouldn't mind going out to have a drink and some fun! Women in this area aren't interested in learning anything new, or seeing anything different. I need to be around a whole different breed.
Now, in no way, shape, or form am I putting down the town where I grew up, and I will even go so far as to say that I'm not putting down the little town I live in now, but I will say that this little area is not for me. I feel like an ant stuck in a jar trying to find a way out. Life has got to be better than this.

I have been so bored and disgusted with this area lately that I have been lashing out on people around me. I know it's not a good thing, but sometimes I can't help it. It's time for a change, it's time for a change, it's time for a CHANGE!

Yikes! It's even kind of scary to even think about it right now, you know, moving to a bigger city, seeing way more people that are into going out and having fun, seeing new things, and learning new ways to do things, but something deep down tells me that I will manage!

So Facebook Is Your Outlet?

There are too many grown ass people using Facebook to say what they want to say. There was a post from an associate that said, "Don't tell me when you can celebrate with me. It's my birthday and I say when we celebrate since it's all about me! Self centered people really irk me."

Ok, let me tell you why this ruffled my feathers. Her birthday was a couple of days ago, and she is having some kind of little party tonight. First of all, I didn't even get an invite. Secondly, I told her that I would like to take her for drinks tomorrow if she was up to it. So, are you making the connection? I told her that I could take her for drinks,and I offered the time that I would be able to do so, so of course, she was talking about me, right?

Well, not according to her. I posted on her status, "Wowwwwww! I'm sorry for inviting you for drinks the day after your party." So, she sent me an inbox note and said that the status was not about me. Yeah right, you little ugly ass coward! Of course I know this dang status was about me, since I did offer to celebrate with you, AND I gave a time.

I am so over over people that are cowards, and that use that site, or any other site for that matter, as their outlet to say whatever they want to say. I see it all the time; so many people put subliminal messages on these sites with hopes that who they are talking about will see it, but not see it. I told her that if she is going to put up a status like that, then she has to deal with the comments that she gets. Shouldn't that be obvious anyway? I guess not! Whatever! That's why I don't have "friends" in the area that I'm in. I only have two true friends that I can call my own that I know for a fact wouldn't do any underhanded lame, coward crap like that. I feed a lot of people with a long handled spoon, and this blog is a big example of why.

And Men STILL don't understand why we keep an attitude...

I hate being a bitch. I really do, but what else is there to be when you have men that can't accept the fact that you are not interested? In some cases, persistence is great! It is even sexy, depending on how it's done and who is doing the chasing, but when a woman says, "I'm not interested", and she means it, that should be the end of the conversation.

There have been two situations in which I really felt like grabbing something and driving it all the way through the bodies of men. One time, a friend girl and I were at a bar chillin'. I think I was going through something at that time, so I wanted a drink, and she agreed to go with me to hear me out as I ranted and raved about whatever it was that I was going through. A short, fat guy walked up and started a conversation with us. I wasn't in the mood for talking to him, so I didn't smile and make him think that I was interested. He turned to me and said, "I have a friend down there that is really interested in talking to you." Ok, first of all, that's a grown ass man down there! Why didn't he bring his tall lanky ass down here and tell me that for himself? 2nd of all, why did he send Santa's funny looking elf to deliver the message, and 3rd of all, I'm not interested.

So, I tell the fella that I'm not interested in meeting anybody. He goes on and says, "Well, why don't you two come down here and sit with us for a little while. No strings attached, we are just watching the game and want a little company."
I gave him my patented look which says, "I'm about two seconds off your ass" and said, "Thank you for the invite, but we didn't come here to meet anybody. We just came to chat and have girl talk." Even after that, Dumpy STILL insisted on us coming down there, so I just cut him off in mid sentence and turned around and started talking to the bartender. He told me that I was wrong for doing that, and I explained to him that I had already told him twice that I was not interested in conversing, and at that point, it was up to him to keep talking to me. I was cutting the conversation off. After this happened, he paid for my friend girl's drink and not mine.....Awwwwww boo hoo!




Negro please! I flipped out 3 CRISP $100.00 bills to tear off one to pay for my own shit! ( I mean, yeah, that was my light bill and cell phone bill money, but Dumpy didn't have to know that!)

Another incident: A friend girl and I, actually, it was the same girl. We are no longer friends, but we were friends at that time...but anyway. She and I were at a different location to have drinks and listen to music. A guy approached and started talking. I spoke to him and he proceeded to talk to my friend. After realizing that I wasn't engaging myself in the conversation, he called me "Anti-Social". Sigh....No, I'm not anti-social. I just don't talk when I don't want to. Of course he got mad at me and had no more words for me. Yep! You guessed it...Awwwwww boo hoo!



I honestly feel that a lot of men are so used to women falling all over them and giving them attention, that they don't know how to react when a woman actually says "No". There are too many women out there that fall for the sweet talk, but then again, there are women out there that fall when a man says, "Hello". Well, I'm just not one of them. I don't see myself as being anti-social, mean, bitter or whatever. I just don't talk when I don't want to. Don't get me wrong about this either: I go out a lot to meet new people, mix and mingle. Matter of fact, I love meeting new people, but it is is a common mistake to think that women are out to meet new men, or to be approached just because she is seen out with her friends, or alone. This should be cleared up right now!



I am very content with myself. I can go out alone and sit at a bar and have a nice drink, develop a buzz, and go into my own little world without friends being with me, or a man approaching me. There are a lot of women that are happy with just going out and having fun. Yes, there are some women that get all grooved up and shiny to go out to be approached, but men should begin to recognize the difference. If a man approaches a woman and she responds with a smile and invites him to have a seat next to her to converse, then hey, that's your girl, but if a woman tells a man that she is not interested and that she is out to just enjoy herself, then he should just leave her alone! Every woman is not a desperate bird! True, a lot of us are, but a lot of us are not! Girl's Just Wanna Have Funnnnnnn! Go Cyndi Lauper!

Is Valentine's Day For The Fellas Too?

Well of course it is! I have always wondered how Valentine's Day ended up being for the ladies only. Of course there aren't any men out there that would like to have a teddy bear and balloons sent to their place of employment, but there are several women that would just love to have this! (hint, hint).

Men think that Valentine's Day is a drag because they make it so girly, and so many women make men think that they have to do a good job at buying all the stuff that won't last anyway.



I think Valentine's Day ended up being a Ladies Only day, because think about it: when it rolls around, what do you normally see plastered all over the walls, and placed out in the center of the isles when you go to the local drug store, the local Wal Mart, the local grocery store, etc.? You see huge balloons, heart shaped candy boxes, teddy bears, roses, and cute little cards that women go goo goo ga ga over. You never see an isle full of "man stuff", because they don't really groove on this day.

It should be a day for the male and the female genders. Guys want to be appreciated too, even though they don't admit it that much. Perhaps a paid membership at a gym would be a beneficial and appreciated gift for him, or if the lady isn't intimidated by another woman carressing her man's body with her warm and soft hands, perhaps the lady can send her guy to a massage parlor to get a full body massage.

Back up.....ok, erase that one.



Let's just say that the lady can give him a gift card to a local bar for him and a couple of his fellow friends to go together, sit and have a drink while watching the tv at the bar. (I have never really understood why guys like this so much. Booooring), but it's not really for us to understand why they like certain things on this day; it's about making them happy too. After he is done drinking, lying and talking loud with the guys at the bar, have him to come home to a well cooked meal and you in some lingerie, and then.....well.....you know!



Take his car/truck to the gas station and fill it up with gas. Go to his barber and pay for a hair cut for him. Pay for his car to be detailed, then take him out to dinner at a very sophisticated restaurant. (or just do one or two of these things)

Some guys like manicures and pedicures, (and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this), so take him to a beauty salon and let him get pampered with that.

Take him on a trip to a nice location, maybe even a beach. If you have been dating him for a while, or married to him for a while, take him to Jamaica, or another exotic place! I'm a woman, so I know how "hellish" we can be. If he has been with your "hellish" behind for all this time, he deserves it! I honestly think that we wouldn't be able to say that there aren't many good guys left, if we would just show the ones that we have that they are appreciated. Just like we act right if they show us that we are appreciated, guys are the same way.


I'm not saying that my few ideas are perfect, but you have to admit that they are pretty good! Those few options beat the crap out of just giving him a random gift card that he will probably never use or a card that guys don't really get off on anyway. Let's be honest; a lot of guys like very simple things, so it's ok to surprise him with something small, but different.

Don't get him anything furry, cuddly, pink, or anything that will deflate in the next few days. Remember, he's a guy, but he wants to know that you love him. Don't do something that he is used to, don't get him anything that is a regular gift, like cufflinks. *Bleh*

Oh, and don't get pregnant! That's my number one rule! haha!