THE DEATH OF TRUE FRIENDSHIPS

I, along with many other tweeters in the Twitter world, and Facebookers of the Facebook world have been sharing our concerns with the death of true friendships. It seems that it's harder now than ever to have good friends. Of course, I think a lot of it is because people are so judgmental, and people are more willing to stab each other in the back, so we protect ourselves by closing ourselves off and just talking about how hard it is to have true friends. Sad, but definitely a true reality.

I have found myself trying to attempt to have real friends on many occasions. As a matter of fact, when I had this same discussion a few years ago with my mom, she told me that I have always been the one looking to share true, valuable friendships with people. She told me that she remembers when I was a little girl, I would go outside with candy, and give almost of all of it away with not much left for myself, just so I could make others happy and to want to play with me. This day, if one were to attempt to give away something valuable out of the kindness of their own heart, they would only end up hurt, lonely, confused and wondering what in the world went wrong.



(WANNA KNOW SOMETHING REALLY SAD? MANY BLACK WOMEN ARE NOT WILLING TO HELP EACH OTHER. IT'S AT THE POINT THAT I'M SHOCKED WHEN ONE IS ACTUALLY WILLING TO REACH OUT AND OFFER A HELPING HAND.)

My experience is that people that I attempt to share friendships with end up talking about me behind my back, discussing my flaws, or leaving the friendship without an explanation of why, then, when I hear from them again, they make it seem as if it was my fault only why the friendship failed. *Yes, I'm very aware that this is all childish shit stuff, but hey >>>> (See my blog on Basketball Wives Mentality)

I totally, without a doubt, feel that many are afraid to cross that line and try to have friendships with someone, because they have that deeply embedded fear that it will only fail anyway, or they won't be accepted, so why bother? It's almost like you have to be a part of a clique to have friends these days. I see many of the same people with the same circle that turn their noses up at anybody that dares to try to enter that circle of friends. Many people have been burned, especially by people that they THOUGHT were their friends. I think a huge mistake that many of us make is letting too many people into our lives at one time TOO FAST, and helping all the wrong people that wouldn't dare help us out with cold water on a hot day. We make this mistake because as I have always said: You really have to interview people like you are looking for a new employee for your company. This seems weird, but think about it:

Many people that we allow into our lives shouldn't be there. Plain and simple. I have a few people that I tried to have friendships with that burned me behind my back that I currently wouldn't offer cold water to on a hot day. Not that I have anything against them, because I believe in forgiving, although it's hard for me to forget. I may never forget the hurt that someone has caused me, but I can move on and just not mess with them anymore. We also hold on to the hurt that someone has caused which has made many of us close ourselves off to trying to possess true friendships with others. It CAN happen.



Before you allow someone in your life, you have to make sure that people possess true friend potential. Spend time with them, hang out, be in some kind of need around them and see how they come through. You may even have to put them through some tests to see if they would come through in your time of need. Yes, of course this sounds crazy, but hey, this is YOUR life, and YOUR feelings that we are talking about here. Many people will come into your life and say they want to be your friend, they will smile, and be all gentle, but they will pull that razor from under their tongue in a heartbeat and won't hesitate to cut you with it! A harsh but truth, everybody does not genuinely like you. #KanyeShrug

Another mistake I think we make is that we use the word "FRIEND" too often, and too quick. The whole time we are calling some people our friends, they are cutting us down behind our backs. This world is cruel; it's very real out here, and people are more stupid, ignorant and brainless now than ever before. Not everybody means us good, so we should be smart enough to remember this when encountering others. In the case of meeting potential friends, I go by the saying, "Everybody is guilty until proven innocent"....or as the young ones say, "AIN'T NOBODY STRAIGHT!"


I know that somehow, somewhere, some people have true friend potential. We just have to do the work to find them, if it really means a lot to us. Lately, I found myself, on many nights, dying to go out and have some fun, but I just don't feel right doing that alone. I mean, I get dressed up, looking and smelling like a million bucks, then go out to a club, stand around at the bar and just watch everybody else party. Oh no. NO thanks! So, what I did is I started thinking of who I currently converse with, and lately, it has been three guys that are really good friends to me. I have told all three to get ready to be tired of me soon, because I will definitely be hanging with them! I also realized that I hadn't been going out and hanging with these guys because.....well.....THEY ARE GUYS, and I didn't want them to mess up my swagger with other guys. BUT....seeing how the guys that I have encountered lately have failed to prove to me that all men are NOT bitches the same, so that killed that for me in the dating world anyway, so I will definitely be hanging with these dudes! I mean, I love them anyway and yes, they have that TRUE FRIEND potential, because they have proved this to me on several occasions. Two of them have connections out the ass too, so I have been making myself miss out! LOL!

And me and my girl LaTanya with our constant "reow" LOL! Nobody understands this one but her and I. This sister/girl has come through for me in a stretch on more than one occasion, and I can honestly say that I love this girl. I'm not about to put that "No Homo" shit stuff, because that is so childish and I see it as feeding the assumptions of judgmental people.


That just goes to show how easy it is for us to shut out people that really do have true friend potential. Here I am, not hanging with good guys because of their gender, and I know now that they would go to hell and back to protect me like they would their own sisters. It's a shame that a man and a woman can't be friends without people thinking that they are fuckin' having sex, but it's also true that you have to have a closed ear to what "other people" have to say when it comes down to that bond with your true friends. Friends don't have a certain shape, color, size, or gender. We miss out because we think this way. We also miss out by giving too many wrong people our time without really getting to know them first before calling them a "friend". That's why many people end up having to "make their circle smaller" because they have to shut those people out after a while, when int all truth, if they had done this in the beginning, then the pain and disappointment would be absent.

If having true friends is important to you, then you have to know how to be one. Make sure that you are the type of person that is willing to break your neck if it comes down to it, because that's what friendship is all about. Don't be close minded when it comes to different types of people. Go around more people in different spots, and get to know them on a regular basis. Go to different spots other than the usual. Join some groups with people that have similar interests. I, myself, am a social networking fool. I enjoy sites like Facebook and Twitter because I am on there with many people that I know, love or just simply like. Just like real life, if they aren't worthy of my time, both sites afford me the "Unfriend", and "Unfollow". button. If we were more conscious about who we let into our timeline as we are on our social sites, we would have friendships all across the board!

If you are a loner and you really don't care about having friends at this time, that's great as well! This affords you the time to get yourself together and find out who YOU really are.

Something that is extremely important to remember: other people do not define who you are. The reason why I wrote this blog is because I grew up as an only child in a family with just my mom, grandmother, grandfather and I, but I do love the companionship of friends that I can go out with, shoot the breeze with, and have fun with. There's nothing like having those friends that you can call at any point and say, "Hey, let's go to this concert. It starts in an hour and I already have our tickets." and to have that friend say, "OK! I WILL BE READY IN THIRTY MINUTES!!" (Heyyyy Nikki!) LOL! Nikki is a true friend that I can really call my own.

But seriously, when it comes to friends, step outside of the box. Go around different people, don't use the word "friend" so fast, and just be yourself. The people that become true friends will have to accept you for who YOU are and not how you compliment their lives. Also, be careful about WHO you spend your time with. You ARE who you spend time with. If you are a procrastinator that needs some motivation, make sure that the people that you give your time to can motivate you well and vice versa.

And by all means, don't be judgmental, and don't talk about them behind their backs. (It's sad that I even have to remind people of this)If you do this chronically, then you are NOT ready.



#AndI'mThrough

"I DON'T LIKE HER!" (Jealousy, and other causes of hate for other women)

So, I'm a recent victim of this, right? LOL! (No really....I'M LAUGHING!) I can't help but to laugh at the situation, because the woman that feels that it's smart to go around and tell everybody that she doesn't like me is GROWN, and has no idea that the people that she is unloading all this hate for me on is coming right back and telling me. (Po Lil Tink Tink)Plus, she hasn't known me that long, doesn't know me that well, etc. yadda yadda yang yang. Matter of fact, the same people that she is telling about how much she doesn't like me are baffled as to how she could not like me, because I don't bother anybody, I mind my own business, I stay away from mess, and all I try to do is encourage people. (Let me get off the subject of this "Non motha*********** factor because I feel like I'm in high school all over again!)



Anyway, grown women walk around talking about who they don't like, who they can't stand, etc. and it is absolutely pathetic. (See my blog on Basketball Wives Mentality) It makes my stomach bubble a little bit at the thought of how absolutely immature this sounds. At first, I wasn't even going to entertain this subject by writing a blog, but yeah. I needed to, because some of this mess really should be put to rest!

COMMON REASONS FOR DISLIKE OF OTHER WOMEN:
*sigh*

1) The other woman may be prettier. *sigh*

2) The other woman may have longer hair. (yes, this is true.)*sigh*

3) The other woman may have dated someone a LONG time ago that she is currently entertaining.

4) Her and the other woman may be CURRENTLY dating the same guy, and instead of them both walking away and leaving him alone, they fight each other. *sigh*)

5) The other woman may have a nicer car, clothes, jewelry, etc. (material things)

6) The other woman may have a nice looking man in her life that didn't go for her.

7) The other woman may have absolute confidence and control in herself.

Do you get what I'm saying? All of this seems very petty, but this is a sad reality. Women are actually walking around with hate in their hearts for these, and so many other childish reasons.

Now, I'm no saint. I will stand up tall and CONFESS that I am guilty of this. I have done this before: not liked another woman because of an egg head dude that I was still in love with and he had moved on to her, or I didn't like who had made it known that they didn't like me. Many of us don't understand that the simple way to not have to deal with whatever is causing the feeling of hate in our hearts for other women is to simply not entertain it, and for GOODNESS' SAKE, don't go around telling people how much you don't like the woman! JEESH! YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT! If this feeling for this other woman won't go away, go to the root of it and find out what is causing the issue. You may find out that it's an internal message trying to get to your brain on what YOU need to do for YOURSELF.

Before someone comments and says, "Sooooo, Tameka, do you STILL not like So and So?!" to be sarcastic, I have learned from my many mistakes; I am not writing this blog to make it seem like I have never done these things. I have not liked women and let them know it by the sour nose, rolling my eyes, and by simply telling them, "Hey, I don't like you, so let's not even deal with each other." but as I got older, wiser and much more mature, I realized how dumb this is, and watching Basketball Wives beats it in my brain deeper and deeper. It used to be fun, now it's just dumb. It should make a woman question what's within her to make her out right not like somebody else, especially if it's someone that they have never spent a day conversing with. Some women can see a woman walking down the street and turn her nose up like she smells boo boo.

Deeply embedded, common issues that cause this foolishness:

1) Low to No Self Esteem

2) Bad or questionable upbringing

3) Not enough love and attention from parents as a child

4) JEALOUSY

5) Bitterness

6) In some kind of way, she feels as if the other woman wouldn't accept her.

7) Loneliness and desperation for attention, or always needing to be front and center.

Wow, as I was typing, I realized that I could go on and on!

I will go on and conclude this now, because if I don't I will be typing about this mess for three days straight, with no bathroom breaks, no food, no connection to the outside world, etc.

Ladies, if you find yourself not liking another woman, for whatever reason it may be, STOP! I am a big supporter of going inside yourself to find yourself. I call it, The Screaming Room. (Blog coming up on this too). There is absolutely no reason in the world that you should be grown and not liking another woman for no apparent reason at all, even if it's a situation in which the other woman took your man from you! Let him, and the situation go. In a situation like that, just remove yourself from her presence, and his, so you won't be reminded of the terrible incident. (Of course I mean after you kick her and his asses, but still, you get what I'm saying). Too many of us are walking around here killing ourselves slowly because of simple things like this that can be easily avoided. No wonder why strokes, heart attacks, high blood pressure etc. is running rampant. Love yourself! Love other women!

Attempt to become friends with the woman that you have internal issues with. If not her friend, just simply try to associate with her to learn her character. Another idea that many will probably not be comfortable with is after a while, when you are comfortable, confess the feelings you had at first or currently have for her. Of course there are chances that she may think that you are a jealous, psycho bitch, but hey, the confession will help YOU in the long run, and if she turns out to be a good friend anyway, she won't think that. If you are not interested in any of this, I do understand; I have been there before, but I do suggest simply not encountering the same space with the woman. If you can't dig deep and find out what the cause of it is, just leave it alone, and don't run your mouth to other people about this, or these other woman/women that you "don't like". Trust me; You look stupid to them if you don't have a logical reason as to why this is, and you stand the chance of them going back to tell her/them anyway, and they will laugh at you about this. (Yes, this is what is happening with me and chick who doesn't like me.) *sigh*



(((((((( I GOTTA GET ME ONE OR FIFTY OF THESE SHIRTS!!!)))))))))

No matter how you slice it, it's hate in your heart, and YOU are the one that put it there. You are the one with the problem, not the woman or women you don't like. Get rid of it; It's more simple than you think,and by all means.... GROW UP!

#AndI'mThrough