Monday, February 28, 2011
Relationship Anxiety....Yep! I Got It!
Yes, it is really a such thing. I have had so many train wrecks that I have called "relationships", to the point where I am just not really happy about getting too close to anybody else.
When I first heard about Relationship Anxiety, I actually heard of it on the Wayans Brothers sitcom that used to come on the WB a little while ago. Shawn, the older brother, had gotten stood up by his high school girlfriend for the prom, which caused him to never trust another woman ever again. Years later, he and his brother pondered the reasons why Shawn suffered so badly from R.A, only to find out that the girl did not stand him up; she had sent a letter by Marlon, his younger brother, explaining that she would not be able to attend the prom with him, but his younger, slightly dingy brother forgot to give him the letter.
Well, I actually suffer from the same thing. A relationship that I had that ended around January of 2007 has me this way. I really don't care to speak a lot of about the relationship, but let's just say that when he decided to drop me for good, I felt like I absolutely wanted my life to end. I had never, ever felt that way about someone ever before in my years of dating. I was so in love with this guy, and when he broke up with me, I had to tear my feelings away from him. That is the hardest thing to do when you are absolutely head over heels for a person, and they just pull away from you. His excuse was, "I just don't really want to be in a relationship right now." He told me this after months of devoting myself to him.
Now, when I date someone, it's hard to commit. It's hard to totally just "try". Of course it's not fair, but this is something serious that I suffer with. Will I ever get over it? I don't know. And of course hearing about all of the devastating relationships that end in high turmoil and calamity don't make it any worse either. It seems like nobody's relationships work anymore. It almost seems as if people are out to hurt the feelings of the ones they date for some reason.
I still think that people cheat on their mates because they are lacking something within themselves. It also has to do with greed. Whenever a person gets with someone that they know is good to them, they go out and attempt to find somebody else, because they know that person will be there no matter what, so they go out and get something "else". I can't say that guy that broke it off with me in 2007 had cheated on me, totally, but I do know that after telling me that he didn't want a relationship, he ended up getting with a younger girl that I ended up moving into my apartment complex right across from me! Yep! Sho' did! That's another blog. Stay tuned for that one....
But like I was saying, I don't know if he fully cheated on me, but I did find some texts in his phone where he had been trying to visit the girl he was with before he and I got together. So, here I was, giving my absolute all to this guy, being the sweet little girlfriend that was with him through thick and thin, I was cooking food and fixing his plate before I sat down to eat for myself, I was cleaning his home and making sure all of his clothes were clean, as well as keeping myself up to look good for him, all for what........for him to not want me anymore.
The little things that I named that I did for him isn't even the tip of the iceburg. Honestly, I think where I messed up is when I let him know that I was in love and wanted to truly be his all, but isn't that bullshit though? I was giving my all, but my all wasn't enough. He still wanted to move on, and I had no choice but to let him. Now, I can't say that he is the total reason; I had had a few heart breaks before, but that one was the one that pushed me over the edge of IDGAF'ville, and I have been living there ever since.
After going through all of that pain and hurt, I haven't been the same ever since. Now, when someone tries to get close to me, I start to pull away like a little scared kitten. It's like I can't help it. Even if I see someone that I like, I can be after him for a while, and when he starts to show me some interest, I start to back away from him. It's absolutely crazy! I find each and every little thing wrong that I don't like about a person that I'm dating, and it can be something as minor as "his shoes are too shiny."
The whole thing about R.A. is not wanting to allow someone to get so close to you that they have any chance under the sky to hurt you. Mine is like a natural . defense; I have tried to make it go away, but it just won't. I think it's more fun to just live life freely by dating from time to time, going out, dancing, having a drink or two, meeting up to listen to old school music while drinking on something that gives you a quick buzz, then sending that ass home.
There was once a time when I would date someone, I would be all into that person to the point that I couldn't wait to talk to them. I couldn't wait to spend all my time with them. I used to be the "touchy, feely" type of person that would love nothing more than to just sit around in her man's arms and cuddle." But now.....I'm a whole lot different. I don't cuddle, I don't hold hands in public, I don't like to feel crowded, I have to have my space, and I want to converse with more than one guy at a time. No, before you get your drawz in a bunch and say that I'm nasty or something, sex is not involved with everyone. It's all about having fun and not having to answer to anyone. PERIOD!
Who knows; maybe I will get over this one day, maybe not. The best thing about this is the fact that I don't have to answer to anybody, and I know I won't get my heart broken. Relationship Anxiety is real. I just touched on a small portion of it. To get more information about it, google it. There is a lot of info on it.
- ▼ February (7)