Thursday, April 29, 2010

The Screaming Room


This room is dark, I can't see where I am going. I turn to the left and I bump clumsily into the wall. I reach up, the wall is tall. I can't go out of this room this way. I turn to the right and bump even more clumsily into another wall. I reach up. The wall is too tall. I can't go out this way. I try to back up. I can't move. The wall is too tall ! How in the world did I get into this place? All of a sudden, I was just here. I begin to panic. I begin to breathe hard. Where is my calm? This is definitely not a comfortable situation. It's dark, cold, confusing, and it even makes me a little bit angry, because I am so confined to this small area. How the hell do I get out of here?

All of a sudden, a bright light came on. There is a sign in front of me that says "This is the Screaming Room. This is the place where you let it all out. Do it, but you are at your own risk for what you learn about yourself."

As soon as I got to the last word, the lights went back off. The lights went off with such a suddenness that it almost took my breath away. I ended up on my knees. I dropped down uncontrollably. I began to think about all of my past and current hurts. About how I feel not "pretty enough''. About how friends come and go. About the struggles that seemed to be unnecessary. About how things for me seem to be outstandingly hard, but seem to be a breeze for other people. About how lonely I always feel. Why can't I get him to see who I am on the inside and be happy for what he has in me? I slowly begin to cry. I just can't take it no more. I'm ugly, I'm hurt, I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE!!!! I HATE MYSELF!!!! NOBODY LOVES ME!!!! WHY THE HELL AM I HERE!!!!! WHY THE HELL WAS I EVEN BORN!!!! WHO THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO BE!!!! GOD TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE!!!!! I instantly began screaming. The more and more I screamed, the louder and louder I got! The more and more I felt anger, the louder and louder I got. The more hurt I felt in my heart, the louder and louder I got. I never knew I could scream this loud. Tears rushed down my face. I began to taste blood in my mouth from all of the strain, but that's okay. This has to come out. I AM SICK OF LIVING!!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE! I WANT TO DIE!!!!!

I jumped up to my feet! This room is small, but this has to come out! I begin swinging my fist with all of my might. All of the people that have hurt me in the past began to appear in front of me. I kept screaming and swinging like a wild woman, but that's okay, this has to come out. I began to shout to the most current heartbreaker in my life. It was just like he was right there in my face. I could see him clear as day. "What is wrong with you? Why can't you see me for who I am? Why can't you realize that I love you with all of my heart? I am tired of thinking its something wrong with me, its not me nigga it's you !!!!!!!" That felt ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL. I kept screaming. I kept slapping him in his face to try to wake his ass up so he can see me for me. So he can love me with all of his heart....that is all I wanted. As more and more people that have hurt me began to appear, the harder and harder I fought, kicked and scratched at their faces, and the louder and louder I screamed. I felt crazy for doing this, but that's okay.....It was what I needed. I began to run.

Before I knew it, I was running like I was an Olympic champion. I slowly began to stop and I began to see light. ------I wasn't in the dark room anymore. I had just started running and now I am not in the room. How did that happen? What had happened? The light was almost too bright now, but I kept running. I suddenly didn't have the urge to cry and scream anymore. I realized that the way to get out of the room was easy the whole time, but I just wasn't ambitious enough about myself to find the way out. As I was running, I ran right up to a mirror. Where the mirror came from, I don't have a clue. I stopped at the mirror and couldn't believe what I saw. My face was bright and had no signs at all of crying. My makeup was flawless and my hair was long and straight , hanging down my back just as I like it. My clothes were very neat. I was happy with who I saw.

I am forever thankful for the Screaming Room. Where is this room you ask?...... Its in my heart and my mind. I'm not scared to enter the screaming room.....anymore

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